As summer fades into the darkness of fall and the bitterness of winter nips from the north, I feel depression set in again.  There have been very few times in my life that I've felt so full of despair and hopelessness.  Save once or twice in the past, I have never been so close to not caring about anything. 

And it shows.

Insomnia

I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in nearly three weeks.  There were probably a couple days where I had drank enough to put me into a good sleep, but that's no way to find rest at night.  I had been drinking the other night and i still didn't get more than three hours sleep.  I even tried reading.  Despite the fact that my head had been spinning to fast to focus on a word, I forced myself to read.  I read about an hour or two every night.

Work Demotion

I was temporarily demoted at work until I can figure out what is wrong with me.  I feel as though no matter how hard I try there, some external force or a simple mistake causes me to lose any progress I gain. I have a hard time finding the patience and good-temperment to deal with some of my customers.  Forgetfulness has become my middle name.  About a month ago I could remember three times what I needed to.  Now, I am being demoted because I can't remember half of what I need to. 

Boyfriend Bickering

I am bitter and short-tempered, which has caused countless bickerments between me and my boyfriend.  He is bipolar and can't understand that I have moods too, and if my moods aren't quelled they become worse until I am near the edge.  (Not necessarily suicidal, but more hopeless and unmodivated.) 

Kicked Out of Church

In a recent discussion with my pastor, he told me that I have three options:  get married in two weeks, seperate in two weeks, or be kicked out of the church.  Those words made me lose a lot of respect for the church that I grew up in and the pastor that I have known all my life. 

Family Issues

My cat ran away three weeks ago.  I am not living at home and I still can't spend two hours with my sister without her jumping down my throat and telling me she hates me.  I feel bad for my parents.  I haven't seen them much in the past two months and I can tell it hurts them, but I have made more initiative to spend time with them than they have. 

Apartment Sucks

I don't have a penny more than my rent money, and there is mold and rotted out floor boards on the carpet in the bedroom.  The whole house smells like cat piss and marijuana.  It is cold in the house, and the only means we have to heat it is expensive electric. 

I want to run away until I find a civilization that has not invented electricity.  I want to live in a straw hut in some African plain and have only the worries of where my next meal will be to deal with.  I want summer to come back.

Endure.

-Kate

P.S.  Sorry, I hate posting negativity, but it was nice to write all that down.

Piece Together the Shattered Soul

Tears were gushing down my pasty cheeks, but my coutenance was firm, numb from all emotion.  The joyful memories tatooed into my soul were painted black, shattered.  All I stood for, all I cared about, all I knew was gone.  In one instant, gone. 

"Why, God?"  I screamed into the blanket of darkess quickly decending on my hopeless form. 

I refused any company.  Solitude was my only concern.  I didn't want anyone to see what I was capable of at this time.  No one would see me cry.  No one would see me lose my mind.  And no one would see me die up here on this mountaintop.  Both body and mind were not capable of being bandaged.  Neither would be comforted ever again.  Of all the wonderful memories in my past, I could remember but one.

I was in the kitchen when my phone rang.  Outside was my boyfriend with two of his friends.  I could see their silhoettes by the campfire as it cheerily sang to them.  Their shadows danced around the six or seven beer cans lying on the damp grass.  The final drops of my third can slid down like a poisoned serum. 

"Hello?"  I tossed the empty can into the sink.  The voice coming through the reciever was hoarse, and the speaker spoke slow, focusing on each word so they wouldn't need to repeat it.

"Papa's dead."

Disbelief struck the phone out of my hand.  I fell to my knees beside it.  The words echoed in my head.  Breathing became difficult.  I wanted to die.  I wanted to join him.  I wanted to take back the past.  I wanted to tell him I loved him. 

Somewhere in that moment I lost my mind. 

My hand throbbed against my keys as I ran out the door.  The quizical look on my boyfriend's face was faraway.  I didn't notice it.  I didn't feel the words "I have to go!" squeek from my broken heart.  I didn't remember getting into my car or the two hour drive that followed.  I didn't remember running out of gas or walking up the mountain during the final hours of daylight. 

I didn't want to remember.  Denial and regret were stirred into my inners.

"Why, Lord?" I whispered to the heavens. 

The rock beneath me was the only barrier between myself and a 100 foot drop.  I longed for the rock to give way.  The will to live disappeared with each falling tear.  I had no reason to go on living. 

My left foot tap danced along the cliff while the right buckled beneath the weight in my soul.  I could end it now. 

Only half of me was aware of my right foot creeping toward the edge.  I let it rest there, half-on half-off, for what could only be hours.  Then it hit me, there was nothing left.  I would never be happy again.  I knew it. 

My arms raised upward.  "Lord," I prayed, "Let me be free."

"Katie, no!"  A shrill cry resounded through the trees.  It was too late.  This would soon be over.

I leaned forward until I was falling.  The grey leaves swirled beneath me.  Darkness trailed behind me unable to keep up.  There was nothing to stop me from this escape.  I would soon be free like Papa.

Everything hit at once.  I was swallowed by the trees, stabbed by their branches, wrapped by their leaves, and devoured by the trunks.  Everything moved too fast.  The forty more years that I could have suffered through were put to rest.  All emotions slipped away.  I was free.

Darkness came.  I was free.

And then a voice.  "Child, arrise.  It is not your time."

I woke in a deep thicket at the bottom of the mountain.  A light was coming from somewhere.  Endless scrapes bled slowly into the soil beneath me.  The blood was swallowed up there.  I was alive.  The pain in my soul seered through me.  However, a new presence was there, in my soul, protecting me from the pain. 

Somewhere, there, as the rescue party neared my exhausted body, I found my reason for living.  It is here I died and was reborn someone new.

*Sometimes my dreams are haunted with people, things, and places that are on my mind.  This originated from my nightmare last night, but I altered the story line and ending to produce a solution. 

*This is a story of hope when all else is lost. 

*The song I have posted with this weblog is one that I really recommend.  It is fitting for this story.  The words are so true.  Click here for a sample of the song (#7):  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001DZDU2G/ref=nosim/xangacom

*Thanks for reading.  Comments and criticism is appreciated.

-Kate